Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
A testimony to true friendship...
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
This HAS to be a joke. otherwise the creator needs a really good psychiatrist.
OMG
how to ruin a Granada and make a zonda "lookalike" (as in a zonda that looks like its owner couldn't find the door handles so used a tin opener then let his 2 year old do the paint and trim)
Play the video and try not to laugh.
OMG
how to ruin a Granada and make a zonda "lookalike" (as in a zonda that looks like its owner couldn't find the door handles so used a tin opener then let his 2 year old do the paint and trim)
Play the video and try not to laugh.
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
the finish leaves a bit to be desired but you can't knock him for trying 
Re: Jokes thread
It is the second worst home built car I have ever seen. How to spend £15k and end up with something worth 15p. I suspect he got part way through and just started thinking "I want this finished now" so rushed and ruined it.
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
Aaaaaaannnnddd back to the jokes:
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are playing outside in the garden.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to swear." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'll say something with "hell" and you say something with "arse"."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mum locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out !"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are playing outside in the garden.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to swear." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'll say something with "hell" and you say something with "arse"."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mum locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out !"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
FARMER is sat in his local getting drunk when the barman wanders over and says: "Grateful as I am for the business, it's a beautiful day out there, why aren't you out there enjoying it?"
The farmer shakes his head: "Some things you just can't explain."
"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem.
"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over."
"That's not so bad," says the barman.
"That's what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened then?" asks the barman.
"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!"
"Some things you just can't explain, eh?" laughs the barman.
"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!"
"So what did you do?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'd run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in....and well, like I said, some things you just can't explain."
The farmer shakes his head: "Some things you just can't explain."
"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem.
"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over."
"That's not so bad," says the barman.
"That's what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened then?" asks the barman.
"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!"
"Some things you just can't explain, eh?" laughs the barman.
"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!"
"So what did you do?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'd run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in....and well, like I said, some things you just can't explain."
Re: Jokes thread
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You get her pregnant again."
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You get her pregnant again."
Re: Jokes thread
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!