Jokes thread

[Aar0sc]

Currently in hysterics over that.

I rather like this website, that highlights the problems with iPhones: http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

[Rhythm Thief]

"Slightly ironic that Eddie Stobart's life was limited to 56."

They're making a film of his life, you know. It's true, I've seen the trailer.

[Luxobarge]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt but there was no corpse. In the Defence closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" enquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you look towards the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes we did look but your client didn't."

[Minxy]

My wife had a pair of her knickers stolen off the washing line.

She's not bothered about it but she's mighty angry about the loss of 9 pegs.

[TriumphDriver]

As we approach the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, I always remember my Grandfather telling me how he survived the sinking in 1912.
"It was simple" he'd say. "I wasn't f**king on it!"

[TriumphDriver]

Just watched a group of skinny men running through the streets of London this morning, their victim must really have wanted to hold onto his wallet as they never caught up with him over the entire 26 miles...

[Minxy]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[Minxy]

They don't like you shouting on planes. Recently on a flight, I heard a familiar voice say "Hello Martyn."

I looked down the aisle and it was an old school friend. "Hi Jack" I shouted back and all hell broke loose!!

[Minxy]

They've sent my census form back!!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put, 'Asylum seekers, Travelling folk, smack heads, unemployable lazy sods, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS and half of bloody Eastern Europe!'
...Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.

[Luxobarge]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said,

"Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."