A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
That is seriously impressive. Whoever would have thought is was possible to juggle with trousers......
Currently over 35 years worth of fixing 35 boxes.
Hoping to reach 65 years worth of fixing 65 boxes.
Hoping to reach 65 years worth of fixing 65 boxes.
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tractorman
- Posts: 1399
- Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:22 am
- Location: Wigton, Cumbria
Re: Jokes thread
A comment about straightening "dung fork tines" reminded me of this very old chestnut:
A farmer's daughter had done well - got a good degree and had just got engaged to one of the local toffs. They had an engagement party and the farmer was talking to the posh people about having spent the last few weeks spreading muck.
The daughter was horrified and complained to her mother "You could have taught him to say manure!"
The mother replied "It's taken me thirty years to get him to say muck!"
A farmer's daughter had done well - got a good degree and had just got engaged to one of the local toffs. They had an engagement party and the farmer was talking to the posh people about having spent the last few weeks spreading muck.
The daughter was horrified and complained to her mother "You could have taught him to say manure!"
The mother replied "It's taken me thirty years to get him to say muck!"
Re: Jokes thread
Mary had a little lad,
for Christmas she bought him crackers,
then one day he sat on them
and blew off both his knee caps.
I couldn't think of anything that rhymes with crackers.
for Christmas she bought him crackers,
then one day he sat on them
and blew off both his knee caps.
I couldn't think of anything that rhymes with crackers.
Re: Jokes thread
Phil P wrote:Mary had a little lad,
for Christmas she bought him crackers,
then one day he sat on them
and blew off both his knee caps.
I couldn't think of anything that rhymes with crackers.
I'll just bet you couldn't....
Re: Jokes thread
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
> Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
> Inspector : What is her height?
> Husband : I never checked.
> Inspector : Slim or healthy?.
> Husband : Not slim, can be healthy.
> Inspector : Colour of eyes?
> Husband : Never noticed.
> Inspector : Colour of hair?
> Husband : Changes according to season.
> Inspector : What was she wearing?
> Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
> Inspector : Was she driving?
> Husband : yes.
>Inspector : colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband : black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
> Inspector: Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
> Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
> Inspector : What is her height?
> Husband : I never checked.
> Inspector : Slim or healthy?.
> Husband : Not slim, can be healthy.
> Inspector : Colour of eyes?
> Husband : Never noticed.
> Inspector : Colour of hair?
> Husband : Changes according to season.
> Inspector : What was she wearing?
> Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
> Inspector : Was she driving?
> Husband : yes.
>Inspector : colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband : black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
> Inspector: Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
That reminded me of a filmed sketch done by a famous comedian in the 1940's. It goes something like this.
A woman walks up to the desk in a Police Station,
Desk Sergeant in a brad Northern accent: Can I 'elp ya' luv?
Woman: I want to report my husband's missing.
DS: Oh right luv....I'll just get me pad and pencil. Hmmmm....right then can I have description?
Woman: He's about 5' 3" and bald.
DS: (Sucks on his pencil and starts writing) Right so he's 5' 3" and bald...anything else luv?
Woman: Er he's only got one tooth in the middle at the front.
DS: One tooth..er.. in the middle ya' say?
Woman: Yes and he's cross eyed.
DS: (Staring at the woman as he is writing) And he's cross eyed.......anything else.
Woman: Err......Oh yes he's got a limp.
DS: (After a pause and scratching his head he starts writing) Right.....hmmm.....And he's got a limp ya' say....err......are ya' sure ya' want him back luv?
A woman walks up to the desk in a Police Station,
Desk Sergeant in a brad Northern accent: Can I 'elp ya' luv?
Woman: I want to report my husband's missing.
DS: Oh right luv....I'll just get me pad and pencil. Hmmmm....right then can I have description?
Woman: He's about 5' 3" and bald.
DS: (Sucks on his pencil and starts writing) Right so he's 5' 3" and bald...anything else luv?
Woman: Er he's only got one tooth in the middle at the front.
DS: One tooth..er.. in the middle ya' say?
Woman: Yes and he's cross eyed.
DS: (Staring at the woman as he is writing) And he's cross eyed.......anything else.
Woman: Err......Oh yes he's got a limp.
DS: (After a pause and scratching his head he starts writing) Right.....hmmm.....And he's got a limp ya' say....err......are ya' sure ya' want him back luv?
Re: Jokes thread
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
I shouldn't laugh at the poor old dears misfortune, but that is as funny as!! 