Jokes thread

[Minxy]

Tell me about your recruitment policy:

http://archive.is/KDtBJ

[Ian]

What opens at 1 and closes just after 5?







Nelson Mandellas advent calendar

[zipgun]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A2 in Kent recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck"

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[tractorman]

What goes "Oh-Oh-oh"?











Santa going backwards

(sorry, it's from the local paper - but is seasonal!)

[tractorman]

My late father's favourite:

A little girl in Sunday school was cuddling a teddy bear with wonky eyes. The "teacher" asked her what the teddy was called, "Gladly" was the reply.

"Why do you call him that?" the teacher asked

"Because we sing a hymn about him: "Gladly my cross-eyed bear""

[UKJeeper]

.

[Phil P]

I am sick and tired of my family taking the piss out of my Alzeimer's this Christmas. Well it won't be so funny when they find their Easter eggs under the bonfire!

[SirTainleyBarking]

maxi driver.jpg (50.64 KiB) Viewed 1617 times

[TerryG]

Shamelessly pinched from rrr.co.uk

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Mr Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Mrs Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Mrs Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Mrs Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Mrs Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Mrs Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Mrs Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Mrs Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong...'

[TerryG]

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.









"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."