After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where, he was told, the beautiful nurses are rather gentler and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" the man protested.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I drank tippex last night instead of viagra.
Woke up with a massive correction...
Woke up with a massive correction...
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company - Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
the Irish Railway Company - Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool.
Tax Payers.
Tax Payers.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
A Banker went on a shoot in Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the London Banker climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The Banker responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you’re not coming over here." The indignant London Banker said, "I am the best Banker in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll call in your debts and close your farm."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, ye don’t know how we do things in Scotland.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish, ‘Three-Kick-Rule.’
The London Banker asked, "What is the Scotland Three-Kick-Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forward, until someone gives up."
The Banker quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old fellow and he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the London fellow.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Banker's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The Banker was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Banker summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old twat! Now, it's my turn!"
…………..The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. Ye can have the bird"
As the London Banker climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The Banker responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you’re not coming over here." The indignant London Banker said, "I am the best Banker in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll call in your debts and close your farm."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, ye don’t know how we do things in Scotland.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish, ‘Three-Kick-Rule.’
The London Banker asked, "What is the Scotland Three-Kick-Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forward, until someone gives up."
The Banker quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old fellow and he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the London fellow.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Banker's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The Banker was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Banker summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old twat! Now, it's my turn!"
…………..The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. Ye can have the bird"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
"Slightly ironic that Eddie Stobart's life was limited to 56."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
My misses sent me shopping today. She told me to go and buy something that'll make her look sexy.
I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella!
I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum!
Do you think I should change dentists?
Do you think I should change dentists?
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.