Jokes thread

[Luxobarge]

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality

Operation "Toot 'n Calm 'Em" will last for the rest of the month.

[Minxy]

Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi has requested to be returned from Libya to a Scottish prison for his own safety!!

[Minxy]

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor swine must have wondered what the hell was going on.

[Minxy]

http://www.wimp.com/tiltedroom/

[Luxobarge]

CADDIE COMEBACKS:

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


And the old favorite.....is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies, "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says, "No, the other end."

[Martin Evans]

A man was freed from prison, after a three year stretch. In conversation with another man, he said "I've just done three years inside over something I didn't do". The other man said, "That's terrible, what didn't you do?" The first man replied "I didn't wipe my fingerprints off the door!"

[TriumphDriver]

http://www.wimp.com/tiltedroom/

Brilliant!

[Luxobarge]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay lad, I've browt it with us."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue madeby a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

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Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?

"Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[Minxy]

"The trouble with quotes over the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine." -- Abraham Lincoln

[Minxy]

Even though we're not supposed to, I just turned my phone on in mid-flight. What could hap