My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "Running away."
"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"
"Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied.
"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"
He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say."
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "Running away."
"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"
"Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied.
"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"
He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships -
2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"
A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when
he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,
a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships -
2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"
A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when
he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,
a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.
As you well know, some have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
Wife by text to husband at work
"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.
"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist!!!
You can negotiate with a terrorist!!!
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
Tesco has announced 20k new jobs to be created in the UK. The Prime Minister of Poland has welcomed the news.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
My missus reckons that she can tell how good a film is by the number of tissues she goes through.
Funny that; I use a similar system
Funny that; I use a similar system
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
If your wife or girlfriend ever asks......
"Hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my girlfriends would you pick to join in?".....
Never give two names......ever!
"Hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my girlfriends would you pick to join in?".....
Never give two names......ever!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.