At first when my wife left i was upset and lonely. Since then I've bought a dog, had two different women and blew a grand on drink and drugs.
She's gonna go mental when she gets in from work...
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds
that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As
he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just
Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they
make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am
the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have
advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd
like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put
the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the
booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am
the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds
they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I
don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on
European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still
can't recognize any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just
realised I was playing you the bee side!"
that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As
he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just
Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they
make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am
the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have
advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd
like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put
the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the
booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am
the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds
they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I
don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on
European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still
can't recognize any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just
realised I was playing you the bee side!"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When we got outside she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I was having sex the other day, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Something I learned from online porn... It's called 'buffering’."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
The other day I needed to go to A & E.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a
patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my
jacket.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all it cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time!
Here's the patch - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/patch1.jpg
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency
service
It also works at the DSS office. It saved me 5 hours!
At the Launderette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a
patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my
jacket.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all it cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time!
Here's the patch - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/patch1.jpg
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency
service
It also works at the DSS office. It saved me 5 hours!
At the Launderette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Nagasaki 1945, after the atomic bomb
Nagasaki 2011, following earthquake and tsunami
What the Hell is that arch made of!?
Nagasaki 2011, following earthquake and tsunami
What the Hell is that arch made of!?
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Why girls shouldnt sell cars!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Rupert Murdoch walks into a pub. The barman says "don't worry about it mate, we haven't got Sky either".
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.