Practically Classics Forum

MANY old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred “Chuckles” Jenkins, Britain’s oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Ronnie Barker

TWO nuns are driving along on a stormy night when they are pulled over by a vampire.

One nun says to the other “show him your cross”.

So the other yells out the window “Get out of the way you toothy git!”

Dawn French

SO this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?”

I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness”.

Tim Vine

IF only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Woody Allen

MY little lad was saying his prayers last night.

Halfway through them he shouted at the top of his voice: “And please God send me a big red fire engine, price £2, from Johnson’s Toy Shop!”

I said: “There’s no need to shout, son. God isn’t deaf.’

He said: “I know, but Mother is.”

Les Dawson

WHEN they installed bungee ropes in the church tower, the bell ringers hit the roof.

Ken Dodd

I DO benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Bob Hope

IN the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen.

Rhod Gilbert

WHAT do you call a bundle of straw in a church? Christian Bale.

Tim Vine

I ASKED the barman “Do you have a big black dog with a white collar in this town?”.

He replied “No”.

I turned to my mate and said: “There you go, I told you it was a vicar we ran over”.

Dave Allen

IF God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

NOT only is there no God, try getting a plumber at the weekends.

Woody Allen

Before coming here today I popped into the church, dropped £10 in the poor box and asked the vicar to bless my speech. He read it, gave me back the £10 and dropped the speech in the poor box.

Bob Monkhouse

A MAN goes to heaven, and St Peter shows him around. They go past one room, and the man asks: “Who are all those people in there?”

“They are the Methodists,” says St Peter. They pass another room, and the man asks the same question.

“They are the Anglicans,” says St Peter.

As they’re approaching the next room, St Peter says: “Take your shoes off and tiptoe by as quietly as you can.”

“Why, who’s in there?” asks the man. “The Catholics,” says St Peter, “and they think that they’re the only ones up here.”

The last time I went for my protstate exam the nurse had more hair on her chin than me and thick bent fingers, it was agony and embarasing.
So I decided the next time I was in Thialand I would go to a clinic there as the nurses are so much more petite.
So when on holiday I booked in at a local clinic, the pretty young nurse asked me to drop my pants lay on my side and in went her finger, she said 'its quite normal for an erection to happen during this procedure'
I commented 'I do not have an erection'
She replied, 'but I have'

... You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


... To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


... The batteries were given out free of charge.


... A will is a dead giveaway.


... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


... A boiled egg is hard to beat.


... When you've seen one shopping Centre you've seen a mall.


... Police were called to a day care Centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.


... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

The future of headstones!!

Now this is what Law Enforcement is all about

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mum.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mum asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

A picture says 1000 words.

That needs a few Jubilee clips, they'll sort that split but otherwise..