Practically Classics Forum

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Eight thoughts to ponder:

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might burn your **** tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last very long."


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These are all classified ads placed in UK newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

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FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


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FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.


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**** And the WINNER is as voted by the men... ****



FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything

To My Darling Husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Asda, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

Tracey

XXX

P.S. Here is a picture of what happened to the car.

Young v Old Drivers - No Contest:
Elsie, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man, in his brand new red BMW, drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for. Elsie was so angered that she approached the young fellow and said, through gritted teeth, 'I was about to park there.'

The man looked at her with disdain and replied, 'That's what you can do when you're young and bright.'

This annoyed Elsie even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.
The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice, 'What did you do that for?'

Elsie smiled at him and said, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich.'

Dogs have learned mitosis.

The wife went to the GP for a check up and he said

"Don't eat anything fatty."

"Do you mean things like pies and chips?" she said

"No fatty, don't eat anything" he replied.

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:

I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

The inventor of predictive text has died

His funfair will be hello on Sundial...

I saw a fella with a bumper sticker saying:
"I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.