Jokes thread

[Minxy]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from my Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I grabbed my holy water bottle, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don't sprinkle holy water! I went out and I found a bear. And then I began to read to the bear from God's Holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in bed in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[Minxy]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[Minxy]

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived!

[Minxy]

A young guy got a job as trainee in a supermarket.

On his first day at work, he arrived in plenty in time, eager to make a good impression. The manager welcomed him with a warm smile and giving him a broom, said, "Your first job will be to sweep the floor."

The young guy protested,"But I'm a college graduate"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, hand me the broom, I'll show you how to sweep the floor."

[Minxy]

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

[Minxy]

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally I think its bollocks.

[Minxy]

[Minxy]

The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'!!"

[Minxy]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." my boss told me.

"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009." I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No." I said.

[Minxy]

I thought you'd like a shot of this impressive military transport jet
on final approach over the ocean.


The Boeing C-17 Globemaster III was developed for the United States Air
Force in the 1980s by McDonnell Douglas and commonly performs strategic
airlift missions transporting troops and cargo throughout the world.
Additional roles include tactical airlift, medical evacuation and
airdrop duties. It has a crew of three (two pilots and one
loadmaster).


With a payload of 170,900 lbs., it can carry 102 paratroopers or 36
litter and 54 ambulatory patients or one M1 Abrams tank or three
Strykers or six M1117 armoured security vehicles.


The length is 174 ft, with a wingspan of 169.8 ft. Empty weight is
282,500 lbs and it is powered by four Pratt & Whitney F117-PW-100
turbofans with a cruising speed of 450 knots and a range of 2,420 nmi
at a maximum service ceiling of 45,000 ft.





http://www.c141heaven.info/dotcom/globemaster.php