Practically Classics Forum

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light) the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. ' Excuse me Your Holiness ' says the driver ' Would you please take your seat so we can leave? ' ' Well to tell you the truth ' says the Pope ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal and I'd really like to drive today. ' ' I'm sorry Your Holiness but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? ' protests the driver wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. ' Who's going to tell? ' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when after exiting the airport the Pontiff floors it accelerating the limo to 155kph.. (Remember the Pope is German..) ' Please slow down Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried driver but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens... ' Oh dear God I'm going to lose my license -- and my job! ' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio. ' I need to talk to the Chief ' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155kph. ' So bust him ' says the Chief. ' I don't think we want to do that he's really important ' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed ' All the more reason! ' ' No I mean really important ' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked ' Who do you have there the mayor? 'Cop: ' Bigger. ' Chief: ' A senator? ' Cop: ' Bigger. ' Chief: ' The Prime Minister? ' Cop: ' Bigger. ' ' Well ' said the Chief ' who is it? ' Cop: ' I think it's God! ' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious ' What makes you think it's God? ' Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son.............."Go get your mother."

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both shoots one milks the other then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike organise a riot and block the roads because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years eat once a month and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least now you are part of a Democracy... AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers. WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day right after her husband leaves for work she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
"FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him 'You can have him shipped home for £5000 or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just £1000.'The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks 'Why would you spend £5000 to ship him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit or help the elderly'. The British Diplomats replied 'Long ago a man died here was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

Bimbo going into church to a wedding turns to the Vicar and said, "How did they get permission to build a church in the middle of a cemetary?"

A man rushes into the vet's with a dog in his arms. "It's had some sort of fit and collapsed." The vet tries a bit of CPR, adrenaline and even mouth to mouth but has to admit defeat.

"No, he can't be dead" says the man; so the vet goes out for a minute and comes back with a black dog that then sniffs the other dog's nose, licks its eyes and scratches at its ear before going to the door with its tail between its legs. "Rover can't find a sign of life" says the vet.

"No, there must be something, the dog was fine half an hour ago." The vet goes out and returns with a ginger tom which sniffs the dog from nose to tail before scratching the floor with a paw as if it's scattering soil over it. "Sorry sir, Tiddles reckons it's dead too" says the vet.

As it had been over half an hour since the dog was brought in and still no signs of life, the man admitted that the dog had died. "So, how much do I owe you?"

"Four hundred and fifteen pounds." says the vet.

"!" says the man

"Well, I won't charge you for my time, the adrenaline was £15.00 and the rest were the Lab tests and cat scan."

Two guys are driving through Ireland, when they get to a small hump backed bridge over a stream, where they notice a guy standing by the wall, holding a man over the stream from the bridge by his feet. Intrigued, they pull over and ask what they are doing, and they can see that they are tickling for salmon.

"Pop!" out comes one, stright into the basket.

"Well thats amazing" says one

"Pop!" Out comes another one, straight into the basket.

Impressed, one says to his friend "I tell you what, the next bridge we come to we are going to do that!"

So they head off, and arrive at a similar hump back bridge, and one friend holds the other's feet as he hangs over the bridge. About 10 minutes pass before the one hanging over shouts:

"Pull me up Sammy!"

"Have you caught a Salmon Mick?"

Mick replies:

"No, there's a fookin train comin'!"

A village bobby had a feud with the vicar and would try to catch him out without much success. One day he saw the vicar hurtling down a steep hill on his push bike, so put up his hand to stop him. The vicar only just managed to stop safely (much to plod's annoyance).

"Nearly got you there vicar!" said plod.

"Yes, God is with me!" says the vicar.

"Got you - two on a bike!" says plod triumphantly.