Jokes thread

[TerryG]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer

[Luxobarge]

Sorry if you've heard all these before.....



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

[tractorman]

Heard on Radio Cumbria during the recent floods:

"Local buses have been cancelled due to flooding, alternative trains are being provided."

[TerryG]

A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

[Mitsuru]

just a couple of pictures i found hope you like

[Mitsuru]

+1

[TerryG]

[TerryG]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor. At the first house a woman complained "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said "Well you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to, you noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh" the younger doctor said "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did "I'm feeling terribly run down lately. "You've probably been doing too much work for the church" the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left the elder doc said "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct but how did you arrive at it?" "Well just like you at the last house I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[TerryG]

2 old ladies Edna and Vera were out shopping one day and they realised the market was in town. As they passed a stall selling various household items one of them noticed something. 'Ere Vera you seen this? Toilet brushes with holder for only 50p! that's not bad! ''Blimey that is good Edna! I think I'll have one of those' A week later they met up for a cup of tea and biscuits at the vicarage. Edna says 'Hey Vera how are you getting on with that toilet brush of yours?' Edna says 'Well... I'm persevering but George has gone back to paper'

[TerryG]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall exceptionally handsome extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely he leaned over and whispered to her "I'll do anything absolutely anything that you want me to do no matter how kinky for £20.00... on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes barely concealing her anticipation and excitement and slowly and meaningfully said...."Clean my house."