Did you hear about the adult film star who could remember all the lines from every movie she ever made?
She had a pornographic memory.
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.
But that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan!!
But that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan!!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
A guy goes to a tattooist and says "I want an Indian, a full Indian, the whole works, all over my back"
The tattooist starts.
After about an hour, the customer says "Oh! And I want him holding a tomahawk"
"Give me a break mate" replies the tattooist "I've only just finished his turban."
The tattooist starts.
After about an hour, the customer says "Oh! And I want him holding a tomahawk"
"Give me a break mate" replies the tattooist "I've only just finished his turban."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
As I was walking down the road beside the prison I noticed a rope ladder appear over the wall and then this midget began to climb down it. Just before he reached bottom he looked at me in a rather smug, supercilious fashion.
I thought - that was a little condescending.
I thought - that was a little condescending.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Inconsiderate car parkers Just humiliate them using a stick of chalk . . .
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the removal company come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water in memory of their first ever meal together.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a one or two half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything - cleaning, mopping, even opening all the windows to air the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive Axminster carpets. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a couple of months later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. As they were unable to wait any longer for a buyer, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank for somewhere new.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely, then said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only a quarter of what the house had been worth - but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home . . .
And just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
On the second day, he had the removal company come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water in memory of their first ever meal together.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a one or two half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything - cleaning, mopping, even opening all the windows to air the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive Axminster carpets. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a couple of months later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. As they were unable to wait any longer for a buyer, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank for somewhere new.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely, then said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only a quarter of what the house had been worth - but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home . . .
And just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
A gay man went to church on Sunday morning and when they passed the collection basket, he dropped in $50. When the minister saw this, he asked him to stand up.
The minister said that in honor of his generous contribution he could take his choice of three hymns. The gay man stood, turned toward the congregation, then lisped, "Okay, I'll take him, and him, and him."
The minister said that in honor of his generous contribution he could take his choice of three hymns. The gay man stood, turned toward the congregation, then lisped, "Okay, I'll take him, and him, and him."
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!