Jokes thread

[Minxy]

You would think that snails would move faster if you took their shells off - you know, less weight.

I tried it, but they seemed to be more sluggish...

[Minxy]

Only whilst looking at ants through a magnifying glass on a scorching day do you realise quite how often they just burst into flames

[Minxy]

Just had my water bill in and I'm gonna change suppliers to Oxfam, 'cause they reckon they can supply fresh water for just £2 per month.

[Minxy]

Space is obviously at a premium......

http://www.wimp.com/vegetablemarket/

[Mitsuru]

[arceye]

A father asked his 9 -year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, you told me there was no Easter Bunny
At seven, you told me there was no Tooth Fairy.
When I was eight, you told me there isn't a Father Christmas.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really do it, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[arceye]

A ventriloquist visiting the countryside walks into a small village and sees a local farmer leaning on his gate and patting his dog.



He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Farmer

'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Farmer: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid basta*d.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Farmer: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this farmer your owner?' (pointing at the farmer)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Farmer: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the Farmer)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Farmer: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'




Farmer: (in a panic) Don't believe a word it says, That sheep's a bloody liar !!!

[arceye]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust



5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!




'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Minxy]

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers from the clothes line.
She says she's not bothered about the knickers, but she would like the twelve pegs back.

[Minxy]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely dead now."