Practically Classics Forum

Wife: Let me drive!

Hubby: NO

W: Yes, let me drive

H: NO!

W: let me, I'll let you have your wicked way with me tonight if you do.

H: well, OK then but be careful

W: Yes I will

and then she hit the rocks...

The wife phoned me and said, "you better come to hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live".
I replied "but there's live football on the t.v."
She said, "record it, and watch it later".
You should have seen her face, when I turned up at the hospital, with the camcorder and tripod.

A Government survey reveals that 91% of illegal immigrants only come to the UK so they can see their own GP.

Concordia jokes

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

# The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Italian cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday.

I went for a tour around a local postcard factory at the weekend, it was nowt to write home about.

A balding, grey haired man, walked into a jewellers one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something a little more special.' At that, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man said, ‘By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it out now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.'

'I know', said the old man, ‘but I had a great weekend!'

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill.

After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

A four foot eleven spiritualist has escaped from police custody. In a press release, the Police said that they are looking for a small medium at large.