Practically Classics Forum

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is directly proportionate to the severity of the shitstorm coming.

I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "No, it's going in the living room."

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually assaulted from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have travelled as much as 10 miles to watch these games.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





Half of Essex

I have a load of dead batteries, if anyone wants any I am giving them out free of charge....

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty petrol Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like such an idiot on the bus this morning.

Just got the tree and decorations down from the loft and I found a present I forgot to give the kids last year. Pretty gutted really cause I know they would have loved a kitten!

My wife gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that would make her look sexy for Christmas. You should have seen her face when I came back from the pub 8 hrs later totally bladdered.

I took my son out for his first drink. He tried Carling but didnt like it, so i finished that one. Same with strongbow, fosters and stella. By the time we got to the Jack Daniels I was to drunk to push the pram home!

Went to mcdonalds drive through. While ordering my meal i noticed the girl at the counter was pretty hot. Anyway, she came back and said 'You can get it large for 30p' I replied, 'You've already done that love but il give you a quid finish it off!!'

I shoved some grapes up my girlfriends bottom during kinky sex last night.She didn't scream or say anything......Just let out a little wine!!!!

Married 25 years now, and the wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. So if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off my trainers, I'm all ears.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.
----oOo----

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid...then I was petrified
----oOo----

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
----oOo----

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
----oOo----

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave
diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

----oOo----

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were
£70!
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
----oOo----

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
----oOo----

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her
over.

----oOo----

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
----oOo----

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked
very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
----oOo----

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea,
why don't we have them in our country?'






And you thought the Christmas Cracker jokes were bad......