Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Rupert Murdoch has said he is humbled by some of the voicemail messages people have left on Amy Winehouse's phone...
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
This joke is of my brother's work so apologies in advance
Job at the Council.
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes Caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for a public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points towards
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies, "Yes, A mine exploded near me when I was
there and I lost both of mt testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and says then says, "O.K. You've got
enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm....
...but you can start tomorrow at 10:00am - and carry on
starting at 10:00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are 8:00am
4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?
I'm not looking for any spcial treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"
the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
and scratching out bollocks. There's no point in you starting
work that early."
Job at the Council.
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes Caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for a public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points towards
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies, "Yes, A mine exploded near me when I was
there and I lost both of mt testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and says then says, "O.K. You've got
enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm....
...but you can start tomorrow at 10:00am - and carry on
starting at 10:00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are 8:00am
4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?
I'm not looking for any spcial treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"
the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
and scratching out bollocks. There's no point in you starting
work that early."
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
Relentless Rob wrote:Boom-whoop, boom-whoop, boom-whoop, boom-whoop, boom-whoop?loz wrote:
Sorry wrong kind of woofer.
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten or ignored the importance of capitalisation.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note:
"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. "
Is everybody clear on that?
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note:
"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. "
Is everybody clear on that?
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
The Government has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English only
Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English only
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. I suffered super fish oil injuries.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
A selection of rioting jokes;
First this went out on Scotish radio during the riots and is an interview with a Psychologist
Interviewer: “Clearly professor, these rioters have a common purpose, a common goal. They want to let society know of their frustrations and that they are driven by a strong desire and common purpose. Can you explain how their minds are working and what exactly they are seeking”
Professor: “ I think that what they are seeking is the acquisition of a large-screen, high definition television set, hopefully with 3-D capability.
Interviewer: “Er, pardon,”
Professor: “Lets’s face it; they’re not targeting bastions of capitalism; I mean, they’re not throwing paint and bricks at banks. What they are doing is smashing they way into Dixons & Currys and walking off with television sets and I-phones.
Interviewer: But the common motive behind the rioting…the true cause is?
Professor: “Like I said, they want to steal a television set.
Interviewer: “ Er, thanks, Professor.
...and some more;
It's been said the rioters are using phones to communicate meeting places for rioting.
If only there was a company that could hack into such phone calls and present their findings in the media...!!
Fake JD Sports shop front. Trap door. Large hole. Job done.
Morning convicted Looters! How did it feel having YOUR back door kicked in last night by Big Winston of A block?
THE RIOTERS PRAYER.
Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Teles, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
The first conviction has been made of a thug who ransacked DFS. He was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.
Gerald Kaufman (£43,564 expenses including 4 grapefruit bowls at £540)
I condemn the naked greed of these criminals and their taking advantage
of their pampered and privileged opportunities ..
David Wilshire (£160,532 expenses including £100k on a flat 15 miles
from main home) My honourable friend has hit the nail on the head. This
is not about ideology, it's sheer naked greed
John Healey (£84,562 expenses including £6,194 for renovating his
kitchen) We should understand a little less and condemn a little more,
Mr Speaker; only tough action against these feral youths will ...
Speaker (£146,780 expenses) Order! Order! Members must set an example
to young people!
First this went out on Scotish radio during the riots and is an interview with a Psychologist
Interviewer: “Clearly professor, these rioters have a common purpose, a common goal. They want to let society know of their frustrations and that they are driven by a strong desire and common purpose. Can you explain how their minds are working and what exactly they are seeking”
Professor: “ I think that what they are seeking is the acquisition of a large-screen, high definition television set, hopefully with 3-D capability.
Interviewer: “Er, pardon,”
Professor: “Lets’s face it; they’re not targeting bastions of capitalism; I mean, they’re not throwing paint and bricks at banks. What they are doing is smashing they way into Dixons & Currys and walking off with television sets and I-phones.
Interviewer: But the common motive behind the rioting…the true cause is?
Professor: “Like I said, they want to steal a television set.
Interviewer: “ Er, thanks, Professor.
...and some more;
It's been said the rioters are using phones to communicate meeting places for rioting.
If only there was a company that could hack into such phone calls and present their findings in the media...!!
Fake JD Sports shop front. Trap door. Large hole. Job done.
Morning convicted Looters! How did it feel having YOUR back door kicked in last night by Big Winston of A block?
THE RIOTERS PRAYER.
Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Teles, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
The first conviction has been made of a thug who ransacked DFS. He was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.
Gerald Kaufman (£43,564 expenses including 4 grapefruit bowls at £540)
I condemn the naked greed of these criminals and their taking advantage
of their pampered and privileged opportunities ..
David Wilshire (£160,532 expenses including £100k on a flat 15 miles
from main home) My honourable friend has hit the nail on the head. This
is not about ideology, it's sheer naked greed
John Healey (£84,562 expenses including £6,194 for renovating his
kitchen) We should understand a little less and condemn a little more,
Mr Speaker; only tough action against these feral youths will ...
Speaker (£146,780 expenses) Order! Order! Members must set an example
to young people!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Jimmy Saville goes into a faulty time machine...
Now...then
Now...then
Now...then
Now...then
Now...then
Now...then
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.