Practically Classics Forum

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of
the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see
their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

Paris in the Springtime

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, peed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto:

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the bloody hell do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair".

Rumour has it that the new film on Margaret Thatcher will be certificate 18. It's unsuitable for miners.

Using BMW parking bays.


UK supermarket giants are vowing to curb the rise of so-called ‘BMW badge abuse’.

For many years supermarkets have been required to provide special parking spaces close to the store entrance for BMW drivers, clearly marked, inexplicably, with a picture of a man sitting on a gym ball. However recent research shows that more and more people are parking cars in these spaces that not only aren’t BMWs, but aren’t even German.

‘These spaces are designed so that our drivers don’t have to walk as far as ordinary car owners’ explained spokesman Paul Jones ‘But we are seeing an alarming rise in people parking any old car there and displaying a disabled badge, as if this were an acceptable substitute for owning the ultimate driving machine. Some BMW drivers have given shocking accounts of having to walk the slightly longer distance from the parent and child spaces, laden with heavy and expensive deli items, and it has to stop.’

Research also suggests that up to 50% of people who do display a BMW badge don’t actually own a BMW themselves but have instead borrowed the badge from a friend or family member. One report claimed that a Tesco customer parked a 15 year old Vauxhall Corsa in a BMW parking bay, walking into the store with not even a hint of an arrogant swagger or smug, self-satisfied smirk.

‘Some of the cars made up to look like BMWs can look highly convincing at first glance’ said Ruben Maxwell-Howse, president of the BMW Owners’ Guild ‘But these drivers give themselves away when they use their indicators to back into the space.’

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after
her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had
a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.


However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage...as so frequently happens when
dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

My budgie (Timothy) broke his leg today, so I made him a splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....

His little face lit up when he tried to walk!!

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”

Apparently “Only to stop myself climaxing too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

Well, that gym membership didn't last long.
First day there, I'm bending over and spot a hole in my trainer, it was big enough to push my finger inside.


She's made a formal complaint, and now I'm banned!