Practically Classics Forum

Just so funny!....or is my perverse sense of hmour

http://www.videobash.com/video_show/dru ... each-22969

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Indeed I do not Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

A new supermarket opened near me. It has an automatic water misting device to keep produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy section, you hear cows moo, and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and frying chicken.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

News has come out that when the USA buried Osama they put a West Ham United shirt on him to make sure he stayed at the bottom.............

Shame I love my poor messed up club.

Come on You Irons

Saw 4 West Ham players playing football with a hedgehog the other day, I was disgusted and about to call the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up lol

Heard that imogen Thomas is starting a new music career but she is only doing Giggs in Manchester (allegedly)

A little girl, fire engine mad, is riding along the pavement on one of those kiddy jeeps, she's had her Dad paint it red and they've fitted a ladder and a length of garden hose for that authentic, fire engine touch. At the front of the contraption, she's fitted a pair of harnesses, one is attached to her dog's collar, the other to her cat's testicles.

There she is, happily being drawn along by the pets when a real-life fire bobby spots her and, being a family man himself, he can't help but be charmed by the sight.
"Tell me" the fire bobby says, "why is the dog harnessed by the collar but the cat is harnessed by the ball sack? Would your wee fire engine not be faster if the cat were also harnessed at the collar?"
"Of course it would" said the kid, "but then the siren wouldn't work".........

I saw on the news the other day that there are plans to fine bad drivers £100.

Seems a bit sexist if you ask me.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the German says unbelievingly.

"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.

He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ”how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"


A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English". "I'm from across the Severn", replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn ?". "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman. he's one of us.


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.