Jokes thread

[Luxobarge]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea..'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t? '

[Minxy]

Egypt - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorship.

Libya - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorship.

Syria - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorship.

Bristol - Rioting in the streets to stop them opening a new Tesco!!

[TriumphDriver]

When I heard that the Americans had killed the most hated man in the world my first thought was: "Wonder who'll get the Celtic manager's job now?"

[Minxy]

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'

JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate, the potato goes in the front!'

_________________

[Minxy]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and tell the other about the afterlife.
The husband died first and made contact.
“Gladys?”
“Is that you Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back to tell you what it’s like. I have sex, then breakfast, and then of to the golf course, then more sex. I sunbath, then have sex again. Lunch, then romp round the golf course, then sex all afternoon, then supper, and more sex.
“Oh Fred, you must be in heaven.”
“No, I’m a bloody rabbit in Norfolk ”

[Minxy]

In case you missed it - the royal wedding in 90 seconds.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp5ZkZXO ... e=youtu.be

[Minxy]

I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

[Luxobarge]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home

On the way home he stopped at the hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the shop he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by an older woman who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The older woman suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old gal home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old gal replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'

[Minxy]

Someone at work just asked me what ring tone I had.

"Light Brown as far as I know" I replied...

[Minxy]

Sky News: Kate & Gerry McCann write to Prime Minister asking for "independent, transparent & comprehensive review" of their daughter's disappearance.

Well basically what happened is you went out and left her on her own.........