Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
I've been asked to run the London Marathon next year, but I've had to say no as I've no experience of organizing anything that large.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -- trout fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the trout we caught
http://johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/sam_fishing.jpg
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the trout we caught
http://johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/sam_fishing.jpg
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
An old man was walking along the road at 2am in the morning when a policeman stopped him.
"Are you ok, buddy?"
"Yeah, i'm just going to a lecture on alcohol awareness and the effect on the human body"
"Who on earth is giving a lecture on alcohol awareness at 2am?!"
"My Wife"
"Are you ok, buddy?"
"Yeah, i'm just going to a lecture on alcohol awareness and the effect on the human body"
"Who on earth is giving a lecture on alcohol awareness at 2am?!"
"My Wife"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Jermain Defoe goes into a pub and asks the barmaid for a drink and her mobile number.
She replies "You're a little forward aren't you?"
She replies "You're a little forward aren't you?"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I phoned the Lib Dems headquarters and said:
"Can I have a copy of your policy on futher education?"
"Sorry" they answered "We've sold out "
"I know you have " I replied "but can I have a copy any way?"
"Can I have a copy of your policy on futher education?"
"Sorry" they answered "We've sold out "
"I know you have " I replied "but can I have a copy any way?"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Backed a geegee in a bookies yesterday called MyFace. Came in 2nd. will choose my words more wisely when cheering a horse home next time.........
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman....
…were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Scotsman says: “I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.”
The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”
The Englishman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”
…were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Scotsman says: “I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.”
The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”
The Englishman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Just had my water bill of £275 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I was really good and only ate one Yorkie last year.
Even so, I don't think they'll let me into Crufts again.
Even so, I don't think they'll let me into Crufts again.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03p.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and buggered off.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and buggered off.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.