A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself - because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I've just got a new Eastern European cleaner to help out around the house, it took her 5 hours to hoover the lounge.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I think people who collect magazines have a lot of issues.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Went to a mates funeral today. It was the first time I had met his parents. What a pair of miserable gits they were.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Prince William's stag do is going to be very wierd...Stuffing pictures of his Gran down the bras of strippers!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
An old guy was in John Lewis the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I've decided to stop worrying about my wife's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 0900 number on it.
At 50 pence a call, I've been making £50 a week.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 0900 number on it.
At 50 pence a call, I've been making £50 a week.
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
Why did my Wife cross the road?
To go back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.
To go back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
So frosty outside this morning, I got my tongue got stuck to a pole. Not sure who was most embarrassed - me or Mrs Grorowski.......
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.