Ay up!
Went to buy some binoculars yesterday. They saw me coming!
Jokes thread
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Xantia-nut
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Re: Jokes thread
If in doubt, give it a clout!
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
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Xantia-nut
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:46 pm
- Location: Wolverhampton
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Re: Jokes thread
Ay up!
I got pulled over by the Boys in Blue the other night.
I reckon the chap who read me my rights was new to the job. He said "Anything you say will be held against you.
I said:
"CHARLIE DIMMOCK!!!!
I got pulled over by the Boys in Blue the other night.
I reckon the chap who read me my rights was new to the job. He said "Anything you say will be held against you.
I said:
"CHARLIE DIMMOCK!!!!
If in doubt, give it a clout!
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
Re: Jokes thread
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so. As long as those w@%kers at Jewsons deliver the f#@king! bricks!'
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so. As long as those w@%kers at Jewsons deliver the f#@king! bricks!'
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
MichiganCur of lxforum wrote:A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over
the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes,
I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well,
wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
I hope you haven't already heard it your blind man joke reminded me
of it. Keep up the good work
Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
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Xantia-nut
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:46 pm
- Location: Wolverhampton
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Re: Jokes thread
Ay up!
What do you call a Hippie in a biker bar?
Very lost.....
What do you call a Hippie in a biker bar?
Very lost.....
If in doubt, give it a clout!
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
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Martin Evans
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2011 10:16 am
- Location: South Wales.
- Contact:
Re: Jokes thread
My former milkman's assistant was like that; the money used to mount up for weeks.
Anyway...One of Sitting Bull’s sons once asked his father “Why is my sister called Fluffy white cloud?”
His father replied, “Because when she was born, that was the first thing I saw, when I left the wigwam.”
The son then asked “And why is my brother called Soaring eagle?” and got a similar reply.
Sitting Bull then asked his son “Why all the questions Two dogs f&6%ing?”
Anyway...One of Sitting Bull’s sons once asked his father “Why is my sister called Fluffy white cloud?”
His father replied, “Because when she was born, that was the first thing I saw, when I left the wigwam.”
The son then asked “And why is my brother called Soaring eagle?” and got a similar reply.
Sitting Bull then asked his son “Why all the questions Two dogs f&6%ing?”
Rules exist for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.
MG Midget 1500, MGB GT V8, Morris Minor Traveller 1275, MG Midget 1275 & too many bicycles.
MG Midget 1500, MGB GT V8, Morris Minor Traveller 1275, MG Midget 1275 & too many bicycles.
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Xantia-nut
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:46 pm
- Location: Wolverhampton
- Contact:
Re: Jokes thread
BNAG!!!!!
That's bang out of order....
That's bang out of order....
If in doubt, give it a clout!
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
Re: Jokes thread
Things a celebrity chef shouldn't say on tv!
These delicious Korean meatballs, really are the dogs bollocks!
These delicious Korean meatballs, really are the dogs bollocks!
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
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Xantia-nut
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:46 pm
- Location: Wolverhampton
- Contact:
Re: Jokes thread
Ay up!
What's the difference between a Scholl sandal and a rock drummer?
Well, a Scholl sandal bucks the feet......
What's the difference between a Scholl sandal and a rock drummer?
Well, a Scholl sandal bucks the feet......
If in doubt, give it a clout!
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
If that don't work, fetch a bigger 'ammer!
1993 Citroen Xantia 1.8i LX
Re: Jokes thread
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.