Jokes thread

[Luxobarge]

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to
save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, fizzy drinks bottles and beer bottles to the shops. The shops sent them back to the factory to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the
razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building.
We walked to the grocery shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right.
We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. Yeah, we just didn't have the green thing in our day.

[ClassicJagMan]

Why is sex like KFC?

Cos when you have finished with the legs and breasts you have a greasy bucket to leave your bone in

[Martin Evans]

A mother and her young son were waiting for a bus. Since fives and under went free, the mother told her son to tell the driver "I'm five years old". When the driver asked "When will you be six", the boy answered "When I get off the bus".

[ClassicJagMan]

Where can I get some of this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGMUGjlV ... r_embedded

[Mitsuru]

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York
City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a
Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted
a Jewish bra, and that you would know "what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately
want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the
Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are
the differences?"

The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple. The
Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up
the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and
upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what
does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[Mitsuru]

From the Cock Pit

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its
cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to
Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth,
uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and.....

OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA;

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While
I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!'

One old Jewish passenger yelled, 'oiy vey' you should see
the back of mine! '

[Mitsuru]

Computer trouble!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like MissionControl, and asked him to
come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh..

[Mitsuru]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy . . . do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'Noooo, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Mitsuru]

I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

Censor: a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to!

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of
himself.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be
educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine
sample, there was an olive was in it.


Ans now for some one liners from Victoria Wood

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys
into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been
driving that Peugeot for years.

My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and
he was looking for my vinegar.

I’ve got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals?
I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving
for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

[Mitsuru]

Guerillas on The London Underground

The London Underground has long been the playground for photoshoppers
doctoring existing signs or adding their own.

































http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/03/05/gue ... derground/