My mate, a farmer had a hair-brained scheme to breed genetically modified
sheep that were twice the size of normal ones.
To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go
to plan, and although the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd
hoped.
He couldn't afford the repayments on his loan and the bank repossessed his
house and land, leaving him with just his sheep, nowhere to live and
penniless.
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish
ewes.
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is colour coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quietly listening to the conversation: "I like car mechanics... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
1st surgeon: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is colour coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quietly listening to the conversation: "I like car mechanics... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Re: Jokes thread
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was "dependent on alcohol" to make it through the final Harry Potter films.
That makes two of us.
That makes two of us.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
ITV have announced that they are going to make a celebrity version of I'm a celebrity get me out of here.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
-
Willy Eckerslyke
- Posts: 225
- Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:35 pm
Re: Jokes thread
A family was finding it harder and harder to make ends meet, until in desperation the wife decided to go "on the game". After the first night she came home with 250 pounds and 10p. Aghast, her husband asked
"Who gave you 10p?"
"They all did"
"Who gave you 10p?"
"They all did"
Re: Jokes thread
The Mrs came into the room a few minutes ago, all smiles and looking pleased with herself.
"You bought me this ten years ago and it still fits perfectly!" she said. I replied "it's a scarf...."
"You bought me this ten years ago and it still fits perfectly!" she said. I replied "it's a scarf...."
J
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
Re: Jokes thread
The Pastor's Ass:
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another
race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .... Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life...
..Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
With thanks to Smartz.co.uk member "problemchild1976" who brought that cautionary tale to my attention by the medium of t'interweb.
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another
race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .... Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life...
..Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
With thanks to Smartz.co.uk member "problemchild1976" who brought that cautionary tale to my attention by the medium of t'interweb.
J
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
Re: Jokes thread
So that explains that then.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mayor of a Greek town visited an Italian town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".
The following year the Italian mayor visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the opulence of the Greek Mayor's house – silk tapestries, gold taps, marble floors, it was astonishing. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mayor of a Greek town visited an Italian town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".
The following year the Italian mayor visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the opulence of the Greek Mayor's house – silk tapestries, gold taps, marble floors, it was astonishing. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Yeah, we've been waiting for fifteen point six minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the engineer said,
"Why can't they play at night?
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Yeah, we've been waiting for fifteen point six minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the engineer said,
"Why can't they play at night?
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.