Jokes thread

[Mitsuru]

This dad is tired of being lied to from his kid. He's caught him in two to three lies over the last couple of days and he's sure that's not all. He finds a business online that sells robots that will slap a person if they are telling a lie.

The family sits down to dinner with the robot and so the Dad starts asking the son how his day was.

Kid says "It was fine, I was at school all day."

SLAP!!!

The dad laughs and says "Yeah, the robot slaps you if you lie to me. So you want to try that again?"

"Ok, ok, I was at Johnny's watching cartoons." the kid says.

SLAP!!!

The dad laughs and the kid says "OK, I was watching porn!"

The mom laughs and says "He's certainly your son."

SLAP!!!

[Minxy]

I couldn't find the thing that peels the potatoe's and carrots.
So I'd asked the kids if they had seen it.
Apparently she left a few days ago.

[Mitsuru]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and,
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



Mr Muscle - "Loves the jobs you hate".
What a load of bollocks.....I bought a bottle last week and it still
hasn't shagged the wife!









and my favourite

[Mitsuru]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."



A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[Minxy]

When it was hot last week I sunbathed naked in the garden, my female neighbour reported me and I got arrested for indecent exposure.

Today I spotted her sunbathing naked in her garden, so seeing a chance for revenge, I called the police.

Now I've been arrested for being a peeping tom.

[Minxy]

[Minxy]

On their way to get married, a young couple are tragicly killed and find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:- Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When they reached the front of the queue, they asked St. Peter who was somewhat taken aback and said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has made such a request. Let me go find out." at which point he dissapeared into heaven, closing the gates behind him.
The couple sat and waited, and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and as the couple were still waiting they wondered what they would do if the marriage didn't work out- especially as heaven is for eternity? Would they be stuck together forever?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, harassed and worn out.
"Yes.It is good news." he sighed. "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" exclaimed the couple, "But we were just wondering. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce here as well?"

St. Peter went crimson with anger and slammed his clipboard onto the ground so hard that it shattered into a thousand pieces.
"What's wrong?" quaked the frightened couple.
"Now look here!" Screamed St. Peter. "It's taken me three sodding months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it would take to find a solicitor?"

[Minxy]

I'd love to have a sex change.

Preferably from 'none' to 'absolutely loads'

[Minxy]

I was on the bus today in Liverpool and a group of scouse youths were shouting F in' this, F in' dat, F in de other.

Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results!!

[Minxy]

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/tupperware