Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Genuine GCSE Answers
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Genuine GCSE Answers
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humour - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.
1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.
1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.
1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.
1. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2. That's what they're there for.
1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you're right.
1. Number 3 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.
1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.
1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.
1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.
1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.
1. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2. That's what they're there for.
1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you're right.
1. Number 3 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.
1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
An Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates, St. Peter takes a look at his file and says, "Ah you're an Engineer ----- Your in the wrong place".
So, the engineer reports to the gate's of hell and is let in, Very soon the engineer gets very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and sets about designing and building improvments, After a while they've got air con, flushing toilets and cold beer on tap, and the engineer and the devil are best friend's.
One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer, So, Hows it going down there in hell ?
Well, Satan replies, Things down here are going great, Weve got flushing toilets, air con and Ice cold beer on tap, There's no telling what my engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, What ????? You've got an engineer ?????, That's a mistake---- He should never have gone down there to you, Send him back !!!!!.
Satan say's, No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and im keeping him !!!!!
God say's, Send him up here to heavan or ill sue !!!!!
Satan starts laughing and awnsers, Yeah, Right, And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer !!!!!!!!!!!
So, the engineer reports to the gate's of hell and is let in, Very soon the engineer gets very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and sets about designing and building improvments, After a while they've got air con, flushing toilets and cold beer on tap, and the engineer and the devil are best friend's.
One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer, So, Hows it going down there in hell ?
Well, Satan replies, Things down here are going great, Weve got flushing toilets, air con and Ice cold beer on tap, There's no telling what my engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, What ????? You've got an engineer ?????, That's a mistake---- He should never have gone down there to you, Send him back !!!!!.
Satan say's, No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and im keeping him !!!!!
God say's, Send him up here to heavan or ill sue !!!!!
Satan starts laughing and awnsers, Yeah, Right, And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer !!!!!!!!!!!
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one, I'll take a copy."
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one, I'll take a copy."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I used to be in a tribute band of 'The Cure'. We were called 'Prevention' and alot of people said that we were actually better
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
-
TriumphDriver
- Posts: 182
- Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:48 pm
Re: Jokes thread
My girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh; if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea.
My posts are for debate and discussion, I'm not The Oracle!
-
TriumphDriver
- Posts: 182
- Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:48 pm
Re: Jokes thread
Theres Mummy balloon, Daddy balloon and Baby balloon.................
Baby balloon gets scared at night so he always sneaks into his Parents bed during the night. This goes on for weeks and Daddy balloon is annoyed cos theres not enough room in the bed for all three. So Daddy balloon tells Baby balloon of his dissappointment and "Dont do it again or you're in trouble."
Anyway, night falls and Baby balloon is in his own bed and terrified, so, he comes up with the notion that if he lets a little air out of himself and lets a little air out of Mummy and Daddy then there will be more room in his parents bed and problem solved so he does this then climbs into their bed!.
In the morning Daddy balloon is furious and he says to Baby balloon "I'm totally dissapointed in you Baby balloon, YOU'VE LET YOUR MOTHER DOWN, YOU'VE LET ME DOWN AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU'VE LET YOURSELF DOWN".
The founding fathers of Ameriland are in the Whitehouse trying to draft the constitution. George Washington says: "Boy! its hot in here", so he takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeves. So, cos they are all hard at work they all do the same. The bloke next to Washington says we should put this in the constitution to allow fellow Americans to stay cool while working. George says thats a bit long we'll have to shorten it............pause for thought..............I know says George...."every American shall have the right to bare arms"
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!
Baby balloon gets scared at night so he always sneaks into his Parents bed during the night. This goes on for weeks and Daddy balloon is annoyed cos theres not enough room in the bed for all three. So Daddy balloon tells Baby balloon of his dissappointment and "Dont do it again or you're in trouble."
Anyway, night falls and Baby balloon is in his own bed and terrified, so, he comes up with the notion that if he lets a little air out of himself and lets a little air out of Mummy and Daddy then there will be more room in his parents bed and problem solved so he does this then climbs into their bed!.
In the morning Daddy balloon is furious and he says to Baby balloon "I'm totally dissapointed in you Baby balloon, YOU'VE LET YOUR MOTHER DOWN, YOU'VE LET ME DOWN AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU'VE LET YOURSELF DOWN".
The founding fathers of Ameriland are in the Whitehouse trying to draft the constitution. George Washington says: "Boy! its hot in here", so he takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeves. So, cos they are all hard at work they all do the same. The bloke next to Washington says we should put this in the constitution to allow fellow Americans to stay cool while working. George says thats a bit long we'll have to shorten it............pause for thought..............I know says George...."every American shall have the right to bare arms"
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!
My posts are for debate and discussion, I'm not The Oracle!
Re: Jokes thread
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.