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Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 7:34 pm
by GHT
Minxy wrote:Need cheering up? Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the bit when she takes the ring off, walks down the aisle, jumps in the car and buggers off.
You can get much the same by playing a country song backwards.
You'll get your job back, your house back, your dog back, your money back, your life back.
Just be sure you don't play it right to the beginning, otherwise you'll get your wife back!

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:20 am
by GHT
The MG has been having serious starting problems of late, after tracing and testing plugs, points, distributor and so on, it's looking likely that the car needs a new coil. Hopefully NTG might stock the one that I need. Yesterday, we went to a massive classic car show, on the quay at Christchurch, without the MG. My wife was disappointed that we couldn't take our car, but after showing her the coil and explaining what it does, she was happy enough to go, if only to see our friends' cars.
"Where's the MG?" they all asked. "Conception issues!" Answered my wife, mysteriously. "Conception issues? WTF does that mean?" From baffled and bemused friends. "Her coil needs replacing," giggled my wife.
:lol: :lol:

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:38 pm
by GHT
A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:20 pm
by Minxy
Q. Where is the Capital of Zimbabwe





A. In a Swiss Bank Account.

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:25 pm
by Minxy
A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects.
The Brummie says to him, "There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did."
"Thanks, buddy," the fireman replies.
"You were all extremely brave," the Brummie continues.
"Thanks again. Can I ask where you're from?"
"Yes, I'm from Birmingham."
"Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.
The Brummie looks around and says...
"About the same as this, really."

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:28 pm
by Minxy
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him.

Jokingly, he said, "No thanks. If my wife smells that, she'll think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?" Cameron replied, "Go right ahead."

"My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:32 pm
by Minxy
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up "I have Four questions"

"Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? Where is Sasha?"

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:34 pm
by Minxy
Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system , turned off my external lights and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

Local Police, MI5, MI6, the Army and all my neighbours are watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving £49.50 a month!

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:37 pm
by Minxy
I woke up in hospital after a serious car accident. This rather nice-looking nurse came over to me; "You may not feel anything from the waist down", she said. So I fondled her boobs.

Re: Jokes thread

Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:39 pm
by Minxy
Husband's text To wife:

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head wound required 19 stitches with a possible fractured skull. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility. Love you....

Wife's text to husband:

Who the Hell is Paula?