Jokes thread

Got something to say, but it's not classic related? Here's the place to discuss. Also includes the once ever-so-popular word association thread... (although we've had to start from scratch with it - sorry!)
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Luxobarge
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Location: Horne, Surreyshire

Re: Jokes thread

#751 Post by Luxobarge » Mon Nov 02, 2015 4:24 pm

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in
the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a
drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest,
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up
and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Faaaaaaaark dude...
How much water did you drink?!!'
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.

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Martin Evans
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Location: South Wales.
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Re: Jokes thread

#752 Post by Martin Evans » Thu Dec 31, 2015 4:02 pm

The bloke who used to work for my former milkman was like that collecting money!!

Anyway

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
Rules exist for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.

MG Midget 1500, MGB GT V8, Morris Minor Traveller 1275, MG Midget 1275 & too many bicycles.

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Luxobarge
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Location: Horne, Surreyshire

Re: Jokes thread

#753 Post by Luxobarge » Mon Jun 27, 2016 10:06 am

Getting Old:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


I've sure become old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.

Toledo Man
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Location: Halifax, West Yorkshire

Re: Jokes thread

#754 Post by Toledo Man » Tue Jul 05, 2016 5:39 pm

An Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman are captured by cannibals. The chief says to the Englishman.
"Where are you from?"
"London."
"In the pot."
He asks the Scottishman.
"Where are you from?"
"Glasgow."
"In the pot."
He asks the Irishman.
"Where are you from?"
"Dublin."
"You can go."
One of the cannibals says to the chief.
"Why did you let him go?"
"The last one we had from Dublin ate all the potatoes."
Toledo Man

1972 Triumph Dolomite 1850 auto (NYE 751L)
2008 Citroen Grand C4 Picasso 2.0 HDi Exclusive (MA08 WCL)
1995 BMW 318i (M265 PNC)
1991 Toyota Celica GT (J481 ONB)

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Minxy
Posts: 547
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Location: West Northamptonshire

Re: Jokes thread

#755 Post by Minxy » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:38 pm

Denis Law being interviewed recently......

Interviewer: Denis, would your Manchester United team beat the present one?

Denis Law: (ponders for a few seconds). Yes and the score would be about 1-0

Interviewer: But your team was wonderful, why only 1-0?

Denis Law: Well, you have to remember that most of us are in our seventies now!
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.

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Minxy
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Re: Jokes thread

#756 Post by Minxy » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:40 pm

A recent study has found that 5 out of 6 researchers say russian roulette is safe.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.

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Minxy
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Location: West Northamptonshire

Re: Jokes thread

#757 Post by Minxy » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:44 pm

In a bid to make motoring more inclusive for BMW drivers, Town and Country planners are looking at ways to improve car parks with them in mind.

"BMW drivers can feel looked down on because they simply don't posses the skills needed to park in a conventional space," said spokesperson Amanda Parkins. "When they end up not straight with one or more wheels over one or more lines they can feel inadequate, and in these days of inclusivity we must remember BMW drivers have feelings too. Our new guidelines are being trialled at a supermarket in Derby and feature extra wide centre lanes so that BMW driver can do the 'swing in at high speed forwards' manoeuvre in comparative safety, and we've angled some of the bays to reduce the need to turn the steering wheel more than is absolutely necessary, to reduce the risk of acrylic nail fatigue. The ends of the BMW bays have a choice of stop lines - a feature we think gives them a better chance of actually ending up at one of them. My daughter Emily (aged 6) thought of this idea and we are pleased to include it in our proposals."

Warming to the task Ms Parkins, who drives a Ford Mondeo, continues:-

"We also took the needs of pedestrians into account, with our design, and in recognition of the fact BMW drivers do not understand what pedestrian crossings are, we've removed them from the BMW parking zone - relying on the pedestrians ability to look up from their phones whilst walking in car parks and take note of approaching beamers. If successful, it is hoped to roll the scheme out to other car parks as they become due for re-lining.

We did ask a BMW dealer what they felt about this scheme, however they refused to give any indication. A result we really should have anticipated, I guess."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.

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Minxy
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Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:29 pm
Location: West Northamptonshire

Re: Jokes thread

#758 Post by Minxy » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:45 pm

---------------------
What I if told you
that you read the
first line wrong?
---------------------
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.

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Minxy
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Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:29 pm
Location: West Northamptonshire

Re: Jokes thread

#759 Post by Minxy » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:48 pm

Blackpool Tower is in need of repainting. So the foreman in charge finds three men who could do the job. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.

The Scotsman is first to see the foreman. The foreman asks, "how much will the job cost in total?"
The Scotsman says "£30,000."
"Could you break that down for me, please?"
"Certainly," says the Scot. "£10,000 for materials, £10,000 pounds for labour and £10,000 pounds for myself."
"Ok, I'll let you know if you've got the job, soon," says the foreman.

Next up is the Englishman. The foreman asks the Englishman, "How much will the job cost in total?"
The Englishman says, "£60,000 pounds."
"Could you break that down for me, please?"
"Of course," says the Englishman. "£20,000 pounds for materials, £20,000 pounds for labour and £20,000 for myself."
"Right, I'll let you know if you've got the job soon," says the foreman.

Next to come in is the Irishman. The foreman asks the Irishman, "How much will the job cost in total?"
The Irishman says "£90,000."
"I see," says the foreman, "Could you break that down for me, please?"
"I will, I will," says the Irishman. "That's £30,000 for you, £30,000 for me...

And we'll let the Scotsman do the job for £30,000."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.

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Minxy
Posts: 547
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:29 pm
Location: West Northamptonshire

Re: Jokes thread

#760 Post by Minxy » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:50 pm

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.

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