Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Lots of cars have wood frames...fail to see the problem.
Mike.
A Fatbloke in a Herald
A Fatbloke in a Herald
Re: Jokes thread
A preacher fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A minister hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The minister buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A minister hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The minister buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
J
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
Re: Jokes thread
Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older.
● Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
● Life is sexually transmitted.
● Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
● Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
● Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
● All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
● in the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
● Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
● Life is sexually transmitted.
● Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
● Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
● Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
● All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
● in the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
"Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
"Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
- Election 2015.jpg (57.38 KiB) Viewed 2385 times
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
Mick Hucknall has apparently been arrested after being caught having intimate relations with a rabbit.
A police source said he was holding back the ears & singing "bunny's too tight to mention".
A police source said he was holding back the ears & singing "bunny's too tight to mention".
J
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
Re: Jokes thread
I won't take orders from anyone, which may explain how my restaurant went bust.
Two men were changing ready to go in for a swim at their local baths.
Mike said to Bob "so, Bob, how long have you been wearing women's undies?"
Bob replied "since my wife found a pair in the car.."
Two men were changing ready to go in for a swim at their local baths.
Mike said to Bob "so, Bob, how long have you been wearing women's undies?"
Bob replied "since my wife found a pair in the car.."
J
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
"Home is where you park it", so the saying goes. That may yet come true..
Re: Jokes thread
Who says men don't remember?
A couple went Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?
The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop".
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
A couple went Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?
The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop".
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
My cat's not been well - it's recovering from a massive stroke.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
Airplane Food - True Story
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take-off, by our airport catering service...
I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and unfortunately only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their mind, we still have 40 dinners available."
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take-off, by our airport catering service...
I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and unfortunately only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their mind, we still have 40 dinners available."
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
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