Jokes thread

[Mitsuru]

Recycled from another forum.


Funniest thing I've read in years
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. Long but well worth
the read

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I
decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving
attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out
trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's
birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered
myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews
and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how
wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some
vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well, and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something
to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was
replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like
being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling
with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I
suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent
burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of
the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the
sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through
the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the
kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final
yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer
drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it
under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly
and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t
managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for
something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a
bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be
quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and I tried in vain to clench some
between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel
had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was
running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there
was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths
I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed
mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had
gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half
chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me,
arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up
my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a
shock to her and she let out a scream.. as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an
involuntary spasm of shock within myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected
at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired
against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise
she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange
hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up,
VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

I literally pi**ed myself laughing at the above

[megadethmaniac]

Mitsuru,

You seem to have missed this joke, which may amuse many, found on a leading Diabeties Website. No your not the only one!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels
and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to
exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a
black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made
passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he
started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the
door and saw me he said,

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[3xpendable]

Geezer walks into a Fish N Chip shop, he goes up to the counter and asks

"Was this fish cooked mate?"

"Yes, why?" was the reply from the counter staff.

He said "Because its eaten all the bloody chips!!!!"

Boom boom

[Mitsuru]

at he hight of hurricane sandy my uncle recieved notification from a US friend
that the hurrican had been upgraded to a typical British summer!

[Martin Evans]

Someone once said that women are like hurricanes; when they come they're wet and windy and when they go, they take your house with them.

[Luxobarge]

Two Nuns In Transylvania:

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the car you little b*stard!"

[megadethmaniac]

The old ones are.......

....the old ones!

[Xantia-nut]

Ay up!

Picture the scene - Times Square, New York in the height of summer.

A young, very drunk and very naked young woman jumps into the back seat of Hymie's taxi. He looks in the rear view mirror but makes no attempt to start the engine.

"What's wrong, honey?" drawled the woman. "Ain't you never seen a naked woman before?"

"Sure thing!" said Hynmie.

"What you waiting for?" asked the woman.

"I'm just trying to figure out where you keeping the money to pay for this ride!"

[Luxobarge]

Frozen Cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who is she?'










(Wait for it)















'That was Thora Hird.'

[Luxobarge]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"